he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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