I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
