I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
