i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
this hospital has no fireball
Brb crying the tears of my youth
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text