My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
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It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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