Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
