either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
