I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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