my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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