If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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