How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
