Did I show you my penis last night?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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