The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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