i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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