when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
