You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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