So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
