Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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