I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
