Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
