I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
