I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
