I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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