by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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