Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
