I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
