high people should be assigned attendants
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
