sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
