I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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