It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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