After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
