dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
