Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
