It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
