I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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