I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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