How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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