Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
