Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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