this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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