I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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