Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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