Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
