the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
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I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
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I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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