Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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