why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
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So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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