So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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