i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
