I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
