Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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