I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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