I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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