I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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