Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
