sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
