took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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