I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
