my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
